You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
be right there i have to get my cape
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
