I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
