My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
