saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
