Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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