dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
