You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
