i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
