I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
