Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
