Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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