Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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