ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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