i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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