Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
