i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
