i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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