last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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