be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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