just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
