____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Randomize
