Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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