I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
