I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I supernannyed him into submission
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
