oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
