Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
