If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
