no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize