my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
