You're my little dorito
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize