youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
