Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize