I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
