The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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