Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize