where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i can't believe i had my finger in that
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
