so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
