Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize