New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
