1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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