soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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