so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This is my gift to your gina
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize