Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
