you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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