is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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