the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
