I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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