Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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