he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
