I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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