booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
