If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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