She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
