What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
