My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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