I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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