if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize