he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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