Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
