Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
